My grandmother died on Sunday.
Writing those words just now made it more real since I'm over here in England and she lived over there, there being Oregon in the US of A. It's hard to be apart at a time like this--a time when all of my family will be gathering to honor her life and to commit her to sleep next to my grandfather until the trumpet shall sound. I wish so badly I could be there in body. But that is not possible for many reasons, and really, it is okay. Her passing was expected, even longed and prayed for. She is rejoicing in the arms of her Savior and it is fabulous beyond imagining to think of those whom she is meeting right now.
But we grieve here for a little while.
God decided that Lois Garfield would be the last of my four grandparents to leave the Shadowlands. And with her passing, a chapter is ended in all of our lives. We've all officially been promoted you see.
As a child it was always comforting to know that there was someone else above you--a parent, a teacher, perhaps an older sibling. There was what some refer to as an 'umbrella' sheltering you from various things. But I think that God prepares us to be that umbrella ourselves throughout our lives.
I recall first being made aware of this in a significant way when I became a high school Senior. That was it. We were the top. Thirteen years and here we were in the coveted position. And suddenly all the responsibility of that position came upon me as well. We would be expected to lead. To be good examples to the younger students. To take on more responsibility and ultimately prepare for our leap out into the world. It was scary at first. But it was good practice.
The next umbrella was actually not being a college Senior. While those were good years, I didn't feel quite the same way. No the next umbrella was the first year post college--my first year as a teacher. Goodness--the weight of that responsibility was heavy--so much so that I do not remember my first two weeks of teaching. I know they happened, but it was a blur of responsibilities and the realization that these children saw me as the authority. The buck stopped with me. But I make mistakes!! I'm not always patient and don't always think of others ahead of myself! These parents and students will see my flaws! Ack! But I loved my job so very much and I grew into being that umbrella as well.
Then of course, came marriage, but that was not an umbrella. I gained an umbrella in my husband. I think he knows that too. :) No, you can likely anticipate the next umbrella and that was when Colin was born. Suddenly I am the parent. The hints I had from being a teacher of other peoples' children flashed into high definition focus with my own. I understood my own parents so much more. I understood the fears and weariness, as well as the rich joys and new discoveries. And I've grown into that umbrella too.
But my grandmother's passing has solidified that status. Because you see, now my parents are the grandparents. There is no one else above them. And that means, officially, that me and my siblings are the parents.
This may seem like stating the obvious, but you see, because we still had grandma, all of us could hang on a little bit to the status we had growing up. We're the 'kids'. We're the ones playing in Grandma and Grandpa's fabulous back yard with the creek and the swing and the zip line. We're the ones running into the waves on the beach while the parents tell us not to go too far and the grandparents enjoy walking hand in hand on the sand. We're the ones giggling with the cousins on sleeping bags in the Sherman house while the parents and grandparents play games downstairs or watch a film and other boring (!!) stuff. We were the ones who had all the fun after all. :)
And now...Now we're the parents tucking those kids in and coming downstairs to enjoy that glass of wine and relax. We understand now the great joy of watching our kids splash in the waves and dig in the sand and the joy of putting them to bed so we can unwind and laugh together.
I've wondered over the years many times when I would feel 'grown up'. And here is the moment. I don't mean that I will never understand the joys of being a kid again. I will always hold onto that. But I do feel grown up as well. It hurts a bit to make that transition, given the cost. But it is something we all must go through. It's the way God made things.
My parents (and aunts and uncles) are a different umbrella now. Grandma has relinquished that role. It's hard for me to let her do that. Part of me wants it all to stay as it was, with all our categories intact. But then we wouldn't grow. Grandma knew that. And I thought I should share some of the words she gave me in our communications over email. She sent this right before I moved to England with Mark and shortly after our wedding:
Hi, Sweetie,
Do you feel as though you are standing on the brink of something?
Well, you are, and I know that you know it. Of course, you've already
taken the first big step, but there is still a great big deep breath
needed for the next steps. l hope you and Mark know how happy we all
are for you, and I trust that there is a lot of excitement built into
this big step, as you'll be together finally and can make your
apartment your first home. I have a feeling that there will be some
traveling, too, as you have the opportunity. Do have lots of fun together...
You're going to have a wonderful life, dear, so the ones to feel sorry for are your sweet folks. I have a feeling that they'll miss you so much that it won't be long before they'll have to come over to see you...
Well, dear, you know that you will be in my prayers. I love you so much, Grandma
I love you too.
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